KEEPING FAITH

Yesterday, I received news of yet another cancelation. This set of concerts was to take place towards the end of May. While I was holding out hope that the world might be reopened enough for this set of concerts to continue forward in some fashion, I was not completely surprised when the orchestra finally made the decision that the progress of vaccination was not moving fast enough to allow for a set of performances that would require a chorus, which plays a major part in the piece we were originally scheduled to perform.

As cancelations go, this was one of the less painful ones: the organization was both generous and graceful in their delivery of the news, and I am grateful to them for their awareness of the challenges that this moment is posing to freelance artists. But I must admit to a general sense of fatigue when it comes to how long this is all dragging on with its seemingly ceaseless stream of disappointing news.

Being a freelancer requires faith. It requires the belief that the work will come and that the paths forward will reveal themselves. Sometimes, keeping that faith alive is difficult. This pandemic has made it harder than ever to continue to trust that the future will be ok. When I feel I can’t trust the future, I struggle to be in the present. Fighting to keep my mind from despairing about an unknown fate, it’s easy to slip into the trap of neglecting the things I can do in the here and now which could possibly influence the things to come.

This is why practicing feels like an act of faith during this pandemic. In some ways, I’ve practiced more than I do when life is “normal”. I do it to stay present. I do it to stay positive. I do it to stay in shape. I remind myself that luck is when preparation meets opportunity. Singing scales, I prepare for the opportunities to arrive. Preparing for them keeps my eyes and mind open and attuned for even the most unexpected ones. It also keeps me aware and grateful for the opportunities that I do have right now, which are keeping me afloat as we navigate the tsunami this world-changing virus is leaving in its wake. Hopefully, these diseased waters of destruction are beginning to recede, and we will be able to pick up the pieces and start to rebuild our musical community soon. In the meantime, I’ll keep singing in my practice room, like a horse at the starting gate, itching to burst forth into the race again.